11 Bowling Trophies Anthony Portantino Could Hide In His Butt

Anthony Portantino is a big man with a big butthole.  Just how big is Anthony Portantino’s butthole?  Big enough to hide these 11 bowling trophies!!!

11.

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This bowling trophy is huge! But so is Anthony Portantino’s Butthole!!

10.

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For most humans, this bowling trophy would be a real rectum wrecker. But not for a rectum as big as Portantino’s.

9.

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Where did that bowling trophy go? Oh yeah, up Anthony Portantino’s giant butthole!

8.

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Is that a bowling trophy in your anus, or are you just Anthony Portantino?

7.

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Knock, Knock… Who’s there? A bowling trophy in Anthony Portantino’s butthole!!!

6.

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What’s more fun than a bowling trophy hidden in Anthony Portantino’s butt? Two bowling trophies hidden in Anthony Portantino’s butt!

5.

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“Anthony Portantino: you just won the Superbowl of bowling! What are you going to do now?!” “BUTTFUCK THE TROPHY!”

4.

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Even girls’ bowling trophies can go in Portantino’s butthole.

3.

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Ignore all those sharp edges and FUCK THAT TROPHY!!!

2.

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This is a fucking sweet bowling trophy. And Athony Portantino’s butt is the perfect place to hide it.

1.

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Bend over, bitch.

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BREAKING NEWS: Ironic Gunman Attacks NRA Headquarters

A gunman consumed with nihilistic irony went on a shooting spree at the headquarters of the National Riffle Association today, killing 14.

According to eye-witnesses, the suspect entered the NRA offices after easily disposing of a security guard who was too fat to reach his gun in time.  The killer then continued through the atrium and up the mezzanine, killing three secretaries and a janitor who were ironically indifferent to the issue of gun proliferation, but only needed to earn healthcare for their families.

As news of the gunman spread through the NRA’s office, many armed employees sprung into action, sensing an opportunity to validate their years of gun fetishism with a single act of cinematic heroism.  But in a predictably ironic twist, the chaotic melee of bullets caused more harm than good, killing 19 more and injuring another 49.

“When I heard gunshots, I knew I had to do something,” NRA paralegal Ryan Buttersworth told reporters.  “Plus, I’ve always harbored secret desire to take another human life, and this seemed like a perfectly justifiable excuse.”

Buttersworth fired 13 rounds through his locked office door, but in yet another senseless act of irony, only succeeded in killing an employee from Jimmy John’s who was delivering lunch for the legal department. jimmy-johns-catering-menu-20120217-0001 Ironically, the chaotic crossfire provided a perfect distraction for the initial gunman, who was able to take NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre hostage and subject him to ironically hilarious torture.

“He sodomized me with the burning muzzle of his legally purchased semi-automatic rifle,” a traumatized LaPierre told the assembled press, “and sodomy is a crime against nature!”

LaPierre was only able to escape certain death when the gunman took his own life — after slipping on a banana peel and accidentally shooting himself in the face.

LaPierre violently rejected the suggestion that prevalence of guns in any way contributed to the shootout.  “If it weren’t for guns, ” La Pierre steadfastly maintained, “the gunman could not have accidentally shot his own face off!” nra-executive-vice-president-wayne-lapierre-speaks-data

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EXCLUSIVE SHOCKING REVELATION: Daulton Gatto is Actually A Spoon & Fork Tied With a Red Ribbon

This exclusive photo proves the rumors are true:

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RETRACTION: DAULTON GATTO WAS DRUNK AND HIGH: Jarvis Mitchell Is Not Mike Gatto

Mike Gatto is really the earthly incarnation of Kongdickinum, an ancient deity revered among the isolated indigenous populations of the extreme Arctic. Kongdickinum is known throughout the cosmic web for having the biggest dick and the softest balls in the universe.

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STOP THE PRESSES!!!! HUGE NEWS!!!! DAULTON GATTO REVEALS THE TRUTH: Jarvis Mitchell Is Really Mike Gatto!

Verified fact.

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BITING COMMENTARY: Daulton Gatto Wants To Suck Mike Gatto’s Dick

This just in:  esteemed journalist Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto) just announced that he wants to suck Mike Gatto’s dick.  Why?  Because he likes to suck on big dicks, and Mike Gatto has a big dick.

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THIS JUST IN: Axl Rose Is a Fat Fuck

This pretty much speaks for itself.

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