We Are Not Anthony Portantino

According to the paint-huffers over at the Burbank Blog, this sentence is being typed by an Anthony Portantino operative.

It ain’t the first time a C-list website has accused someone of secretly authoring our site.  Why just last year, the idiot pigfuckers over at the Sierra Madre Tattler ran with a kooky conspiracy theory that Mike Gatto himself was behind our site.  Obviously, that’s fucking retarded.  And I dissected its retardation in a thoughtful commentary entitled “Why The Sierra Madre Tattler is Fucking Retarded.”

Now sadly, I’m afraid to announce that the Burbank Blog is fucking retarded too.  They somewhat recently ran an article on Anthony Portantino’s attempts to fundraise off of the fact that our esteemed blog called him fat.  Obviously, this is hilarious for many reasons, all of which were dissected in a thoughtful commentary entitled “Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo Doo Turd.”

But within the context of their report on Porkertino’s plea, the formerly sweet Burbank Blog went on to advance a mind-fuckingly bizarre conspiracy theory that our venerated news journal is authored by none of other than ANTHONY PORTANTINO!


This is bizarre for numerous reasons, the least of which being the Burbank Blogger has been so slavishly pro-Gatto that some news sites have theorized it was written by Gatto himself.  But regardless of who actually writes the Burbank Blog, their conspiracy theory is so fucking retarded that it’s almost impossible to spell out… Apparently, they believe that Anthony Portantino runs a fan site for a rival politician for the sole purpose of calling himself fat so that he can pretend to be outraged and beg for money from donors.  Oh yeah, and he set this plan in motion FIVE YEARS AGO, long before he ever knew who his political rival would be in 2016.

If those sound like the wild rantings of a frothy mouth, you’re probably right.  Honest-to-God, this is the first paragraph of their manifesto:

“You’ve got to be one sick person to take a play out of the Nazis’ playbook.  You know, like when they set fire to the German parliament building and then claimed to be the victims, using it as an excuse to seize power.”

Yes.  The Burbank Blog just compared Anthony Portantino to the Nazis.  Look, we don’t like Anthony Portantino.  We think he sucks compared to Mike Gatto because he’s not as sweet and clearly has a much smaller dick.  But we don’t have to convince ourselves that he’s part of some secret Nazi plot.

And since when did it become so commonplace to accuse your political enemies of being Nazis?  This mindless rhetoric cheapens the horror of the Holocaust.  Shame on the Burbank Blogger.  I could forgive their attempt to sully our site by associating it with Anthony Porkertino, but I can never forgive those who make a mockery of such a tragic chapter in human history.

But back to their retardation…

Get it?  Portantino created a website to slam Mike with disgusting stuff.  Even after Mike bowed out of the race, the website posts more filth, complete with a few comments about Portantino’s obvious girth.  Portantino then sends out an email trying to raise money, replete with feigned horror at the “Internet hits” on him, which his operative posted!  Those responsible for the Reichstag fire would be proud.

Again with the Nazi shit!  Look dude, not everybody who disagrees with you is a Nazi, okay?

By the way, by focusing on the handful of times we’ve called Anthony Portantino fat, their expert analysis totally neglects all the many times we’ve also made fun of him for farting or for hiding bowling trophies in his butt.

This blog has been presented with clear proof that the person behind the Mike Gatto is a sweet dude website is an Anthony Portantino operative.  Someone with a very close relationship to him in fact.  You see, when you do stuff on the interwebz, you leave traces.

What is that ‘clear proof?’  They never say.  Presumably, because they don’t have any.  And promising ‘clear proof’ but not sharing it is exactly the kind of shit a Nazi would do.

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Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo-Doo Turd

When I woke up this morning, I was in a pretty sweet mood.  I was thinking about how sweet it is to sleep in, and how now that Mike Gatto has quasi-retired from politics, he gets to enjoy sleeping in too.  And then I started reflecting on how we are all connected and the universe is amazing and shit like that.  I started thinking about God and miracles and mysteries and this warm feeling filled my soul.

And then I started thinking about how since Mike Gatto isn’t running against Anthony Portantino anymore, I should take down all the pre-emptive shots we fired in the Great State Senate War that never was… like the time we called Anthony Portantino fat… or the time we called him a scumbag for apparently faking a bunch of endorsements… or the time we dubbed a bunch of farts into his YouTube videos…

But just before I could hit delete and usher in an era of peace and goodwill between the long-feuding Gatto and Portantino camps, I came across this fucking bullshit email that Portantino sent out to his donors…

“and just yesterday there was another internet attack on me, my character and of all things my weight with such vile language that I can’t even repeat it in polite company.” 

According to the esteemed Burbank Blog, a site so comically slavish in its praise of Gatto that some have suspected it may be written by Gatto himself, Portantino was referencing our site!  They go on to make some pretty wild accusations about Portantino and our site, but that’s a whole other topic we will get to in another post.  For now, I want to focus on how desperately pathetic it is that Portantino’s begging people to give him money because we called him fat.

First of all, he is fat.  By calling him fat, we’re merely reporting the facts.  If Portantino was tall instead of fat, people would know him as the tall candidate.  Duh.  Second, if Anthony Portantino doesn’t want people calling him fat, he should put down the pastrami and pick up a bike.

And finally, just looking at the guy you can see that he has no self-control, exercises poor judgement, and has a total disregard for health and safety.  Is this really the kind of person we want representing us in Sacramento?


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WTF?! Mike Gatto Withdraws From Politics?!

Holy fucking shit.  Mike Gatto just dropped a major bombshell on SoCal voeters.  For months, it’s been a forgone conclusion that Gatto, termed out of the State Assembly after six clit-strokingly awesome years, would run for State Senate.  But after months of speculation and a stunning 1.9 million donated to a Senate warchest, Mike Gatto has decided not to run.

According to a slick website known as LA Times, Mike Gatto has decided to do the most honorable thing imaginable, and put his beloved family ahead of politics and power and intra-party bullshit squabbles.  It takes a big dick to achieve all that Mike Gatto has achieved.  And it takes and even bigger dick to walk away from it all.

And who can blame him?  Life is precious and fucking short.  Only a total fucking asshole would choose Sacramento over seeing his kids grow up.  Sure, righting the wrongs of the Armenian Genocide is important, but so is seeing your baby’s first steps… or their first laughs… or just being there to share those simple joys with his wife.  He’s a goddamned romantic super hero.  Nicholas Sparks should write a fucking novel about him.


But okay, the cynic in me thinks there’s another angle here.  The cynic in me thinks that Gatto’s picking his fights wisely and making a strategic, long-term plan.  If he chose to run for the State Senate, he’d have to run against a lowlife scumbag who also happens to be well connected and protected by the party machinery… just like you’d expect a lowlife scumbag to be.

So does Mike Gatto really want to trudge through yet another scorched earth primary against entrenched party powers?  And for what?  Eight years in another bullshit legislative body?  Fuck that.  Maybe that’s all a fat piece of shit like Anthony Portantino could hope for, but Mike Gatto’s clearly destined for higher office… executive office.

So Gatto’s going to play ball.  He’s going to let Porkertino have his prize, and in so doing, prove himself to the party bosses.  Then he’ll enjoy a nice three year vacation, making up for lost time with his family, and in 2018, with the full blessing of the state Democratic party, he’ll be able to leapfrog his way over Unimportantino and the State Senate and into the office of Lieutenant Governor.  As of filings made on June 30, a committee supporting a Gatto campaign for Lieutenant Governor had already raised $48,000.  And the nearly 2 million in his State Senate fund can be transferred to that campaign.

Then it’s only a short hop to the Governor’s office, and from there, the Presidency of the United States.  Just like Daulton and I predicted 6 years ago.  Where does State Senate lead?  Ask Anthony Porkertino in 8 years.

The only losers in this scenario are me and Daulton and all the Gattomaniacs worldwide — from hot chicks stroking their clits to Mike Gatto in Glendale, to hot chicks stroking their clits to Mike Gatto in China, and even to hot chick stroking their clits to Mike Gatto in Syria.

So basically, we all just need to show a little patience over these next three years.  Thankfully, there’s plenty of awesome shit we’ve been working on for the site that’s only tangentally related to Mike Gatto’s legislative actions, and has more to do with the size of his dick and the softness of his balls.  Like for instance, we’re working on an album of original songs inspired by that dick and those balls.  And we’ve just finished a science fiction romance novel about Mike Gatto building a time machine and fucking hot chicks throughout the past, present and future.  So yeah, it sucks that we won’t get to watch Mike Gatto humiliate Anthony Portantino.  But it’ll be worth it when we get to travel to Washington for Mike’s inauguration.


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Mike Gatto Offers $$$ for Good Ideas

One of Mike Gatto’s pet projects, a state-wide initiative to award cash for good ideas, is ready to launch.  It may sound strange to elect politicians to fix the government, only to have them turn around and offer you money to tell them how, but that’s the idea.  And according to this badass clip from Assembly Access, it’s worked elsewhere.

Mike Gatto rightly describes California as an “App Economy,” and expects many of these submissions to be related to technology and how it can be applied to streamline government processes.

I don’t know much about government processes, but I do know about dicks and fucking.  And if you ask me, it’s a goddamn travesty that there are tons of pills  to get your dick hard but no pills to make you jizz more.  So there!  California can have my brilliant idea… I want a pill that makes me jizz gallons.  Where’s my 25 grand?

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Trees that Look Like a Cock

For reasons the sweet dudes here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude don’t fully understand, we’ve received numerous search engine referrals for the term “trees that look like a cock.” Since there’s evidently demand for trees that look like a cock, and since people come to our site looking for them, here’s a few super sweet photos of trees that look like giant cocks:





There. I hope you sick fucks are happy now. This old lady sure is — she’s about to get a faceful of tree jizz.

Mike Gatto rules.

I’m not related to him, though. Mike Gatto has a bigger cock and much softer balls.

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Gov. Jerry Brown Buttfucks Mike Gatto / CA Motorists

The LA Times is reporting that California Governor Jerry Brown vetoed a bill by Mike Gatto that would have eased traffic around Glendale and Pasadena opening carpool lanes on the 210 and 134 during non-commute hours.

Lest there be any doubt, it was a sweet plan.  Similar initiatives help alleviate traffic in North Hollywood, but apparently Governor Jerry Brown would rather shit all over Glendale, it’s esteemed political patriarch and all the motorists who travel through on a daily basis.

The Governor did sign three other bills aimed at traffic in LA, including Mike Gatto’s Yellow Alert system to find hit and run drivers.  So I guess you could say it was somewhat misleading to go with the “Brown Buttfucks Gatto” headline.  But, eh… whatever.  I like the buttfucking angle.

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Anthony Portantino is Fat

What the fuck?  Apparently Anthony Portantino produces and hosts a public access show where he interviews boring assholes while looking fat.  Like really, really fat.  In this long and stupid and boring video Portantino asks questions about the Burbank School District.  But he’s ugly and he sucks and he has no charisma, so nobody can pay attention.  I can’t believe the Democratic Party is going to allow a fat dullard like this to sully a candidate of national, generational potential like Mike Gatto in an prolonged and unnecessary primary.

People don’t vote with their brains… the vote with their dicks and clits.  And what dickclit would vote for this fat fuck?

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