Mike Gatto Has a Billion Grandkids

Recently, Mike Gatto turned the entire world of Twitter on its head when he posted the below link:

The Tweet Heard 'Round the World.

The Tweet Heard ‘Round the World.

“Ah to be this couple,” commented the distinguished statesmen and owner of a dick so meaty he has to lug it in a wheelbarrow. Although Mr. Gatto may wish that some day he will convert his indestructible super sperm into a small army of mini-Mikes, I believe this perfect specimen is forgetting one thing…

Mike Gatto taught the world how to fuck.

Before young Michael Anthony Gatto deflowered his first filly at the age of 13, we were all doing it wrong. We were groping in the dark, literally, but like a sensual and tender jam by Isaac Hayes, Mr. Gatto added hot butter to our mashed potatoes.

And Mike can teach you too!

And Mike can teach you too!

So if we can all accept that without the 43rd District’s Doctor of Love we’d have no idea what we were doing in the bedroom – which obviously we all can – we can deduce that all children born after the loss of Gatto’s virginity are the product of his wisdom and truth and twat-slaying. This means that every child born after 1987 has Mike “The Man of a Thousand Dicks” Gatto to thank, and they can rightfully refer to him as “Daddy” whenever they want (all women over the age of consent also have this astonishing luxury).

Lucky ladies.

Lucky ladies.

This generation of learned cocksmiths have only begun to reproduce, but each and every one of their children are thereby technically Gatto’s grandchildren (this is simple science, please pay attention and follow along). If that number hasn’t reached the millions yet, it soon will. And by means of exponential expansion and hardcore, condom-less fucking (another issue Mike fought tirelessly for in the past), Papa Gatto will soon to be grandfather to a billion.

That's math, bitch!

That’s math, bitch!

So fear not, Mr. Gatto, your progeny will soon reach to the moon and back, much like your beautiful, jelly-filled horsecock.



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Anthony Portantino: Scumbag or Lying Scumbag?

Holy shit.  The Hews Media Group-Community News recently published a bombshell investigation into the Anthony Portantino campaign that paints a damning portrait of politician who is either a scumbag or a lying scumbag.

It all started a few months ago, when Portantino, the comically corpulent politician who will soon face Mike Gatto in the race for the State Senate’s 25th District, proudly launched his new website and trumpeted the endorsement of an impressive roster of politicians and civic organizations.

There’s just one problem:  it was bullshit.  Or parts of it were bullshit anyways.  Within minutes of HMG-CN posting their scoop, the Porkertino campaign pulled down their bogus endorsements list.  Thankfully, screenshots were taken.

Here’s the best one:

Guess what?  Mark Leno hasn’t endorsed Anthony Portainto.  In fact, they haven’t spoken in years.  While that  quote about the tragic suicide of Portantino’s brother was touching, Leno never said it.

When confronted with bogus endorsements, Portantino scrambled to provide a few different excuses, but under the HMG-CN microscope, none seem particularly credible.  His allegation that the graphics were from an aborted 2012 run seem easily disproven by the fact that titles of politicians listed were current.  Furthermore, graphics and color schemes matched his present campaign.  Oh yeah, and the bottom of the page said “Paid for and authorized by Anthony Portantino for Senate 2016, ID# 1334175.”


Then he tried to argue that they were “mock-ups” for a website they were in the process of building.  But HMG-CN publisher Brian Hews countered, “after seeing the site, my website company said that was very elaborate for a mock-up. Website mock-ups use stock pictures and “Greek text.” If the site was a mockup, they went through a lot of trouble to fabricate text that was very specific to the campaign. It is unheard of to pay a web designer to find pictures and related photos and come up with copy that’s going to be thrown away.”

Double oopsie.

So then Putin-tino decided to argue that the pages were private and that by publishing their contents, HMG-CN would face potential legal action.  But according to Hews, “the page was public. Google crawled it and cached the site meaning it was public. I did a Google search, found it, and took screenshots. If it was private at the time, the search would have produced a login or password page. After the story published, Portantino pulled the site down and now a Google search of “Portantino Endorsements” takes you to a login page.”

What the fuck?  I’d expect this kind of bush-league bullshit from an amateur like Todd Royal.  But for fuck’s sake, Portantino served on the La Canada Flintridge City Council!  That used to mean something, god damn it!

Anyways, Portantino sent one of those nifty Cease & Desist letters over to HMG-CN who seems to have adopted a”fuckyousuckmydick” policy in return.  It’s pretty amusing, and totally worth reading the full story.  Portantino definitely comes off looking like a scumbag.  However, the extent to which he’s a lying scumbag may still be open to debate.

If anything, it gives me a giant boner for all the dirty campaigning to come in 2016!!!

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What Should We Call This Fat Fuck?

In case you haven’t heard, Mike Gatto’s about to be forced out of the State Assembly due to term limits.  That means he’ll be seeking another public office to serve as his next stepping stone on his way to Congress (or LA Mayor, but probably Congress).  So far, it seems like Mike will try to fill Carol Lui’s soon-to-be-vacated State Senate seat in the 25th district.  That will force him into a scorched earth campaign of apocalyptic proportions against this fat fuck:


That’s Anthony Portantino, and he sucks turds from rectums.  To give you an idea of just how shitty this campaign is going to be, one of his biggest fans is Bukkake Ron Kaye.   If this campaign’s going to be half the shit-show we pray it will be, we need to mobilize now on the PR front.

It’s within that regard that we reach out to  you, our loyal readers, to help us come up with a clever and insulting nickname for Portantino.  Obviously, he’s fat and ugly, and any nickname should highlight those defining characteristics.  But he’s also an idiot, and according to rumors we started a few sentences ago, he also sucks turds from rectums.

Possible nicknames:  Anthony Fatantino?  Anthony Porkertino?  Ol’ Rectum Breath?  Fuck man, people think it’s easy being as clever as we are.  But this shit is hard, man.  Help us out!  What should we call this fat fuck?!


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MIKE GATTO & AB1310: Revenge Porn is Not Sweet, Dude

Sure, we’ve all done it…  While cruising for porn, you land on a site that promises amateur home videos of realistically attractive “ex-girlfriends” as they suck dicks and take dicks in their pussies before making dicks jizz on their faces/titties.

Then, after you jerk off, you’re hit with a lingering, shameful aftertaste.  You can’t help feeling sorry for the girl in the video who may have had that intimate, private moment of her getting a pearl necklace shared without her permission.


It’s easy to rationalize those fears away… I mean, we all love Bang Bus videos, but do any of us actually believe that there’s a bus full of dudes that cruises around mall parking lots, just stumbling across horny teens who want to get gang-banged?  All those “ex-girlfriends” were probably just actors, right?

No, fuck face.  It’s time to stop rationalizing and making excuses: revenge porn is not sweet, dude.  At least that was the word out of Sacramento, where Mike Gatto’s new anti cyber-exploitation bill passed the State Assembly with a unanimous vote.

“Cyber-exploitation and the right to privacy are not partisan issues,” Gatto said as every nipple in the room grew stiff. “Violating a person’s sense of safety, security and privacy should have serious consequences.”


One difficulty in stopping cyber-exploitation is prosecuting crimes that happen in a virtual environment across multiple jurisdictions.  “AB 1310 makes it difficult for these criminals to evade prosecution by allowing district attorneys and law enforcement to vigilantly investigate and prosecute those who exploit their victims across multiple jurisdictions,” Gatto said.

Fuck yes.  I don’t like giving up any sub-genre of porn in this age of niche needs.  But obviously a dude with a dick as big as Mike Gatto’s can be trusted when it comes to matters of porn and jizz.

The bill now has to pass the State Senate before it can head to the Governor’s desk.

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MIKE GATTO & AB1164: Astroturf is Sweet, Dude!

You know what’s sweet?  Grass.

No, Daulton.  I don’t mean weed, though weed is extremely sweet and Mike Gatto kinda agrees.  I’m talking about plain old normal grass that grows in your yard.  Or if you’re a resident of Southern California, it used to.

images Since the state’s been gripped by an epic drought, many homeowners have been left with only two choices:  let their lush, Burbanky yards wilt and die… or become giant assholes who frivolously squander water and get fined and shamed.

But thanks to Mike Gatto, they now have a third choice:  Astroturf.  It may sound fucking retarded, but in some SoCal cities (like Glendale and Burbank), it’s actually illegal for a homeowner to opt for fake grass.

Why would the city be in business of making stupid, bullshit Nazi laws like that?  I guess because they’re fucking snobs who think their real grass is so fucking goddamned special and righteous.  Well, thankfully all it took was a disastrous drought of Biblical proportions to make them reconsider. article-2569919-1BE52E0C00000578-847_964x641 Mike Gatto recently announced he’s begun work on AB1164, a state bill that will make it illegal for cities in California to ban fake grass.  Mike’s deputy communications director seems confident the bill could reach the Governor’s desk by September.

But expect the usual bullshit complications and bureaucratic redtape.  Mike not only has to overturn laws that ban Astroturf, but also has to kill similar laws that regulate the what percentage of a lawn must be comprised of living matter.  And of course, there’s going to have to be all sorts of commissions and inspections and licenses and all the other bullshit that makes California such a shitty place to live in so many ways.

If you ask me, Astroturf fucking rules.  If you don’t have to cut grass, you have far more time to smoke grass.  And smoking weed fucking rules.  Mike Gatto fucking rules.  Suck it. 72620_374885515958054_2032850326_n

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Mike Gatto’s Sweetest Political Donors

Maplight.org, some stupid site that offers no nudity, recently published this article on Mike Gatto’s top political donors.  The list includes distinctions for interest groups and individual donors alike.

The list’s veracity could not be independently verified, but there are numerous suspicious entries. While significant donations from the California Dental Association and the Southwest Regional Council of Carpenters were listed, there was no mention of money from the California Association of Hot Chicks Who Fuck Dudes With Big Dicks, who presumably would have made the maximum donation permitted under law.

Whatever.  Who gives a fuck?  Not me.


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TVs That Record Your Private Conversations Can Suck a Big Dick: Mike Gatto on Bill AB-1116

Now that Mary Cummins and Amanda Lollar appear to have taken Jarvis’s wise advice, we can get back to business here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude. Some super sweet shit is afoot in Sacramento, in the form of Bill AB-1116.

This bill would make it illegal for nefarious assholes to spy on you and record your private conversations through your television set. Why the legality of such a thing is even being debated is beyond me, but thank God Mike Gatto and his big dick have been among the most vocal opponents of this fucked-up practice.

Mike Gatto authored the quasar of sweetness that is Bill AB-1116, and it recently passed a vote in State Assembly by a count of 72-0. With this bill, Mike Gatto has made a strong statement befitting a man with a dick as big as his: this shit won’t fly on my watch.

Clearly, Mike Gatto has a vested personal interest in preventing such a practice, since it would almost certainly be used to spy on him fucking his hot wife with his big dick. But it’s good to see that some lawmakers give a shit whether or not reasonable expectations of personal privacy can be maintained in these topsy-turvy times.


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