Mike Gatto Performs an Original Song About Ron Kaye

California State Assemblyman Mike Gatto shocked and delighted audiences at a recent backyard BBQ in Glendale when he grabbed the microphone and performed an original song called “Fart On My Balls When We Fuck.”  We can only assume the song was written about Ron Kaye, disgraced pseudo-journalist and notorious Gattophobe.

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Laurie Collins: MIKE GATTO IS A SWEET DUDE!!!!

In the strongest and most unambiguous terms possible, the Glendale News Press published an editorial commending Assemblyman Mike Gatto for being the sweetest dude with the sweetest dick and the softest balls.  Not in those exact words necessarily, but that was the main gist of it.

At specific issue was the recent editorial published by Dan Evans of the LA Times, in which he objects to Golden Dick’s involvement in the recent controversy over the election selection of local party delegates.  After scrutiny, it turns out that 16% of the voters in the election selection process were ineligible for a variety of reasons.  So as a champion of truth and justice, Gatto got involved and helped convince the body to host a new selection election.

Cynics would say that Gatto’s concern has less to do with truth and justice than it does with stacking the party deck with friendly candidates from the progressive wing ahead of his looming battle with Anthony Portantino for Carol Lui’s soon-to-be-vacated seat in the State Senate.

Whatever.  Fuck those assholes.  Mike Gatto is a sweet dude, and they are dudes whose entire existence is defined by the absence of sweetness.  And they have small dicks and sandpaper scrotums.

Here are some choice cuts from the editorial:

“… quite frankly there was no system in place to determine if the voter lived in the 43rd Assembly District, was registered as a Democrat, could not vote under the same rules applicable to primaries, voted more than once or even had a pulse. One could submit a ballot, wait in line again to receive another ballot, scribble a signature and submit a second ballot.”

“Since being a supporter of Assemblyman Mike Gatto places one under a cloud of suspicion under the rules of the News-Press, for the record I am supporting Mike Gatto. Not because I oppose Anthony Portantino but because Gatto is a stronger leader who has done an excellent job for the district and stands for issues that matter to me…”

“In the News-Press, based on Berdj Karapetian’s allegation, the results of the election were overturned because of the influence of Mike Gatto. This is the same Karapetian who with the assistance of former News-Press columnist Ron Kaye accused Gatto of discrimination because at the last election for delegates the organizers checked voter registration.”

So three cheers to Laurie Collins for standing up for Mike Gatto.  And three more cheers for calling out that Bukkake-loving charlatan, Ron Kaye, for his bullshit Gatto-hate.  As far  as we’re concerned, Laurie Collins is s sweet dude too!

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EDITORIAL: Southern California Real Estate Appraiser Mary Cummins Is a Disgrace to Humanity

While there was certainly no love lost over the years between the late Michael Higby and the sweet dudes here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude, we didn’t exactly uncork a fucking bottle of champagne when we learned of Higby’s recent death. The same can’t be said for some crazy hippie feminazi bitch named Mary Cummins.

Cummins is a self-described wildlife rehabilitator and real estate appraiser with a shitty website and an even shittier blog. Whatever. Who gives a shit.

The only facts I’m interested in are these:

1. This bitch humiliated herself by writing a cowardly and caustic treatise about Higby in an attempt to put a posthumous smear on his name and his life’s work. (Side note: I read a whole bunch of waaah waaah blah blah Higby did this Higby did that Higby go to hell oga bahfah fum. I don’t give a shit. Not even a little bit.)

2. This bitch implicitly aligned our super sweet blog with her demonic vitriol in that blog post.

That shit isn’t cool. Even we, who are renowned throughout the Internet for our liberal usage of dog boners and massive logs of shit, wouldn’t stoop to such reprehensible tactics to sling mud at a dead man. Hell, Jarvis even told me that when Ron Kaye dies, we’re going to go through the entire site and replace all the cartoon cocks and ballsacs with roses. That’s what you call class.

Class is clearly something Mary Cummins lacks. At least it turns out that she’s stupid enough to post that kind of embarrassing trash on her business blog so all her douchebag clients can see for themselves what a deranged bitch she is.

So, let’s be clear about something, Mary Cummins: we are not on your side. We do not support your campaign of hatred against a man whose tomb prevents him from defending himself. And only douchebags grow up wanting to become wildlife rehabilitators.

(Daulton Gatto may have a magnificent circumcised cock, but that doesn’t mean he’s related to Mike Gatto. He isn’t. You hear me, Kaye? Or are there too many dog boners in your ears?)

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Mike Gatto Gives the Odds on Online Poker

Legalized online gambling is shaping up to be one of the hottest issues for Mike Gatto’s final legislative session before being termed out of the State Assembly.  Just a few months ago, he came out with both pistols blazing in an attempt to pass a legalization bill.  In his exhaustive interview with Online Poker Report, he hyped his bill and apologized on behalf of lesser assemblymen who drafted bills which already failed.

Gatto seemed characteristically cocksure as he made the case for why his bill could succeed where others couldn’t.  But it didn’t take long for the dream to crumble.  First, the industry nixed his seemingly contradictory plan to require in-store registration to play online poker.

And now in this video posted on the YouTube page belonging to “California Online Poker,” Gatto speculates that the odds on passing a bill have dwindled to only 35%.  His comments were made as part of a keynote address at the iGaming Legislative Symposium.

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Mike Gatto vs. Glendale Community College

It’s been a while since Mike Gatto stormed the stage at Glendale Community College and delivered a masterful lecture on the intricacies of public policy to a room full of dead-eyed, knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers who were wholly incapable of appreciating the brilliance on display before them.

Thankfully, a video was made. The crowd seems unnaturally subdued considering how special and intimate an experience they’ve been given.  It’s a shame this same lecture couldn’t have been delivered at Harvard or Yale or a more worthy institution.

Skip the first three and a half minutes, as some dude who is not Mike Gatto will only waste your time.

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RIP Higby :(

I was Googling “Mike Gatto” for news to write about today, and I came across this obituary in the LA Daily news for Mike Higby.  The article referenced Higby’s legal brouhaha with the Gatto administration over claims Higby made on his blog.  The ensuing controversy has been well chronicled on this site and others, and in this moment, doesn’t need to be re-hashed.

Suffice to say, we’re sorry Higby’s gone and will remember him fondly.  That may sound odd in light of the spirited and often profane disagreements we’ve had about Mike Gatto in our attempts to create memorable political theater.  But it saddens me to think that we will only know Higby through the prism of that one narrow conflict.

His obituary describes a kind man with a generous sense of humor, and it’s a shame that the absurdity of politics have kept us from ever knowing that side of him.  But it’s heartening to know that so many others did.  We wish him and his family peace.

RIP

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Mike Gatto: A Pornographer’s Best Friend?

Over the years, Mike “Testosterone” Gatto has run afoul of countless douchebags, pussies, twats, dillholes and Ron Kayes.  Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of all the misguided zealots and their various paranoid delusions.  With all due apologizes to our readers, sometimes an occasional loony slips through the cracks.

It’s been a while since Mike Gatto pissed off the porn-haters responsible for “Measure B,” the disastrously stupid law requiring porn actors to wear condoms.  Years later, the issue has refused to die… even if the law has killed the industry itself.

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Of course, this turd of a law did not force a single porn actor to wear a condom.  Instead, it forced the porn industry to leave their condoms behind and relocate a few miles up the 101, to municipalities eager to claim their share of the porn industry’s estimated 6 billion dollar pie.  Within two years, permits for porn shoots in LA plunged 95%.

So obviously, if Measure B’s goal was to force porn actors to wear condoms, it failed miserably and retardedly on such a colossal scale that future generations should study it as an example of all that’s dysfunctional about the government: it was an impractical law, drafted by special interests and unrelated to the lives of average Californians, that did nothing but squander money in a multitude of ways.

Back when Measure B was still a fetus, Assemblyman Mike Gatto tried to abort it.  This made him the object of ridicule amongst self-righteous dickheads, religious lunatics, and general pussies and douchebags who hate porn and freedom and (by extension) America.

One such group was the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, who famously dubbed Mike Gatto “a pornographer’s best friend.”  Gattophobes such as Ron Kaye and The Sierra Madre Tattler (also probably Ron Kaye), love to repeat this nickname whenever possible in an attempt to smear Mike Gatto by associating his name with porn.

this mailer was used in a smear campaign

this mailer was used in a smear campaign

But I have two big problems with that nickname…

First, Mike Gatto is not a pornographer’s best friend.  If anything, he’s the enemy of pointless bullshit legislation that over-reaches and over-regulates and has driven an economically and historically significant part of LA to Ventura County.  Mike didn’t oppose Measure B on behalf of pornographers — he opposed it on behalf of all the LA businesses who were happy to have that money in their neighborhood.

But secondly… so fucking what if Mike Gatto is a pornographer’s best friend?  Why the fuck is that an insult?  I fucking love porn.  I’m sure Daulton and Cyril would allow me to speak on their behalf when I say they fucking love porn too.  Without porn, it would be nearly impossible to masturbate.  And without masturbation, we would all be in jail for murder.  Porn is the reason the Internet exists.  It’s as American as apple pie — which, by the way, people also love to fuck.

By calling Mike Gatto a pornographer’s best friend, they only make me want to vote for him more.  Like I needed another reason to think of Mike Gatto’s erupting jizz-hydrant, but every time I read the words “Mike Gatto” and “porn” together in a sentence, my imagination finds itself on its knees in the back row of an adult movie theater, hungrily gagging on the cocks of 50 cloned Mike Gattos while “50 Shades of Gatto” plays in the background.

But I digress.  Measure B wasn’t just bad for business, it was bad for porn.  Nobody wants to watch a porno with a fucking condom.  Why?  Because nobody in history has ever wanted to fuck with a condom, so why would they choose to fantasize about fucking with condoms?  It’s so mind-bogglingly stupid it defies comprehension.

Obviously, I can’t speak for Mike Gatto, but if you ask me, Mike Gatto would tell you that the idea of condom porn is so retarded it makes Corky from Life Goes On look like Groucho from You Bet Your Life.  We all know Mike has stood firmly and erectly against anti-circumcision zealots on the grounds that nothing — not even a stinky, cheesy foreskin — should get between a dick and a pussy.  It only makes sense that he’d be against latex rubbers too.

corky

In conclusion, if standing up to special interests to protect small businesses and porn-loving Americans makes you “a pornographer’s best friend,” then yeah… Mike Gatto is a pornographer’s best friend.

And so are you.

Porn rules.  If you disagree, go fuck yourself.

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